You are not only dealing with the death of a necessary person, you are having to face yourself. The things you should have done, even unreal. The things you wish you had done. The things you didn't do. The way you reacted to the situation. You do things you would swear you would never do and don't do things you are sure you would do in imagining such a situation. You say I am not myself, please forgive me, but who are you? You are a person whose life has ended. Just as surely as death took your loved one you too are a victim. People around you that mean say all the wrong things and you get mad at them. Your anger level is extreme. You have to mend fences because they take your anger, distance, lack of interest, as a personal thing. People that you respect say things, like the first six months are the hardest or the first year is the hardest and those milestones pass and you feel worse and get really depressed because you are not on schedule. Well-meaning people tell you to get involved in a good cause, take a class, try anything different, but your brain refuses to work. You can't remember your loved one's face, how can you remember to be somewhere. Your psyche has been shocked beyond all understanding. The first year I survived. I really worked at it. I almost died from a respiratory illness. I crushed my spine by working too hard, I forgot to eat and alienated a lot of people. I was sure the second year would be better. I got really depressed because it was worse. I suddenly started to feel.